


The Child In the Mirror

by ladybugnest



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Marauders - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff, Harry Potter - Freeform, James Potter - Freeform, Kindawishitwaswolfstar, Lily Evans - Freeform, M/M, Marlene - Freeform, Marlene Mckinnon - Freeform, Original Character(s), Smut, itsveryfanficish, remus lupin - Freeform, sirius black - Freeform, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29184198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladybugnest/pseuds/ladybugnest
Summary: Y/N falls in love with Remus. He doesn't know what he wants."Just be sixteen for once. Please.""If you're serious about this, all of your dreams will be over."Will eventually contain smut, but you can just skip it..It's very fanfic-ish, a lot of drama etc. Kinda cute though hope you like it:)- english is not my first language so I'm sorry in advance for any future mistakes:)
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Original Female Character(s), Remus Lupin/Reader, Remus/Reader
Kudos: 9





	1. The Marauders

They call themselves the marauders. Usually not loud enough for everyone to hear, but I figured it out due to my habit of 'accidentally' eavesdropping. The so-called marauders: James Potter, known for being completely obsessed with lily and being Gryffindor’s chaser. Remus Lupin, he was quiet compared to his friends, a prefect, usually seen reading or laughing with the others. Sirius Black, rich kid who wants to rebel against his racist family.

  
Most girls look like they're about to faint when Sirius is around, he qualifies for being the school’s prince charming. Then there’s Peter Pettigrew, running after his friends. Sometimes it's hard to say what they think of him, but he follows them around everywhere and does everything they order him to do. They seem as close as brothers, if not closer.  
I was looking at them from our dorm window. They were going somewhere, probably to their usual spot under a tree. Sirius lying in Remus’s lap, James playing with his snitch (looking like an idiot to be honest,) and Peter laughing at whatever they're talking about. How they always get in trouble fascinates me. Always in some troublesome situation, never just at peace with what they have. Even though they're in detention at least 2 weeks a month, something tells me they're only caught 1/10th of the time they do anything against the school rules. They leave the Gryffindor tower at least three times each week, and I don't think I've ever been this invested in anything.

  
Remus interested me the most. Even though he seemed quiet, something told me he wasn't. I think the only thing stopping him from joining his friends pranking everyone was the fear of losing his prefect badge. He's the type to fix the problem, rather than to be the problem. In addition to that, he was beautiful. I might have had a crush on for the past four years, but I know he looks at me like a good friend, nothing more.

  
"Y/N, what are you always sitting in the window thinking about?" Lily’s question dragged me back to reality. Her bright eyes lit up when the sun hit her face. We were rarely apart. She basically took me under her wing first year. I had no friends, and nor did she (except for Snape, which we don't talk about.) The only time we weren't glued to each other’s side was when she was at the Slug club, as Professor Slughorn calls it.

  
Thanks to Snape, who was brilliant, if not the best at making Potions and the only magical friend Lily had, she excelled in Potions. Lily became top of the class really fast and was the most precious trophy Slughorn had gotten yet. Snape would've been the golden trophy if everyone wasn’t so impressed a muggleborn could be that good at potions.  
"Obviously, I'm just trying to look a little mysterious, so someone asks me that question."

  
"Ha ha, very funny. Are you alright though, you seem a little detached?"

  
"It's so like you to worry about people like this Lily. It's just calming to sit here and think, observe, if you will." She smiled brightly and held out her hand.  
"You know you can just tell him, right? He’s a good guy."

  
"Lils, I don't think I can handle you inside my head all of them time. You already know too much. And second of all, I really don't think that's a good idea, and even though you usually manage to convince me, you're not going to get me this time."

  
“Okay, I won’t make you tell him, but the boys want us to come down to the tree.”

  
I got up to join her. Lily secretly loved being with them, at least that’s what I think. She wants to dislike them, but no one can deny that if you’re on their good side, they can be very charming.  
“EVANS, fancy seeing you here.” James winked at her and completely ignored my presence, which was fine, he was mesmerized by the uninterested girl beside me.

  
“Look who finally showed up,” Remus greeted us with the same warm smile as always. We had all been friends for two years, but James and Lily’s constant bickering made it slightly hard to hang out all of the time.  
“Can’t stay away from you for too long, you know?” He laughed before his eyes landed on me, his eyes stayed on my face for a while before looking out at the water.

  
“What are you guys up to here anyways, why did you want us to come over?”

  
“Can’t we just enjoy the presence of our friends without wanting something?” Sirius laid his head on my lap and legs over Remus. “This was way more comfortable by the way,” he whispered to me and winked.

  
“Are you guys coming to the quidditch game next Friday?”

“James, when have we ever not come to your games? You don’t really have to ask anymore.” Lily said with a strong tone of irritation. She was almost annoyed at every word that came out of his mouth. She was sweet to everyone but him, and he was mean to everyone but her, you can’t help but feel a bit bad for the guy.

  
“SO, game on Friday, everyone’s coming that’s good, but this weekend is Hogsmeade weekend, James, Peter, Remus and I have some, business, so you guys can go without us.”  
What Sirius meant by business was questionable. They had a “business” type thing once or twice each month and never really told us what it was. I’m guessing they were either inventing some weird thing or finding another way of get into trouble, because at least one of them were gone for a while afterwards.

  
“One day, just one day, I’ll find out what you guys do on your business trips, it’s killing me that you won’t tell us. It’s been two years Sirius, two bloody years.” The four boys laughed and shared a mischievous look. We all knew those two years would just keep on going. If it was one thing they were serious about, it was the importance of loyalty between good friends.  
Lily had rested her head against Peters’ shoulder. James looked at her with the most loving smile while she talked about everything that came to mind for the next hour or so. Sirius had practically begged me to play with his hair even though he was arguing with James about some stupid thing that happened. I on the other hand only had one thing stuck on my mind, the boy sitting by Sirius’s his feet. Remus and I kept looking at each other, neither of us said a lot while the others were talking. We had always been good friends, but it was at times like this our relationship confused me.After staring at each other in turns, Remus finally said something.

  
“By the way, Y/N, we have an essay in muggle studies due in a couple of days, are you up for doing it now or?” Remus asked and held an empty parchment scroll.

  
“Oh, I completely forgot,” that was a lie, I had thought about it all week waiting for him to ask about it.

  
“Can’t we just do it now and get it over-with?”

  
“Yea sure, let’s go to the library though, I have a feeling working here would be a little hard.” He whispered the last part looking down at Sirius, who was now in a heated discussion with James. I tried to gently move his head, but he quickly turned around to look at us with an offended look.  
“Are you guys leaving?”

  
Remus grinned a before grabbing my hand and quickly walking away, ignoring Sirius’s question.  
As we were pacing away from the group, we could hear Sirius almost shout to the others  
" I give it two months before those two are a thing,"

  
"Two? MAYBE one, if not less." James said even louder than Sirius.  
I couldn’t help but smile at what they were saying, especially because neither of us denied it.  
The library was always full of stressed students trying to study for their O.W.L’s or N.E.W.T’s. We managed to find a free table in the back of the library.  
“So, do you know what a Myers Briggs test even is?”

  
“Well, it’s quite popular in the muggle world, kind of a muggle version of Hogwarts houses to be honest. You take a test, and you get four letters which is your personality type. It’s kind of cool and has a lot more houses than four, I think it’s like

16?” I tried explaining it the best I could, I only knew what some friends of my family had told me during summer a couple years ago.  
“So, we just answer these questions, see what our personality type is, explain it and why it’s right, then write something about Katharine Briggs and Isabel and that’s it?”  
“Yeah, I think so?”

  
Katharine Briggs and her daughter Isabel had quite a long chapter the Social Structure of the British muggle society by Charlina Chartleshake. After about twenty minutes of reading and analyzing the personalities, the fun part was next.

  
“So, what do you think yours will be?” Remus asked before we took the test.

  
“I actually have no idea, I definitely think I’ll get an E and maybe N somewhere in there but I’m not sure about the rest. I think you’ll get ISFP.”  
“Really? Do I seem like an adventurer to you?” His eyes were wide open, and his head was slightly tilted to the side, was I that wrong?  
“We’ll see, just hand me the test I’m so curious now.”

  
“What is an email?” It was strange how different the muggle word and magic world was.

  
“Kinda like owls here, it’s a way for muggles to quickly get information to each other.”  
He just hummed in response and kept scribbling down on the paper.

  
“Well, I’m done but how do we get our scores?” I was good with muggle things, but Remus always knew the answer to my wizarding questions.

  
“If you’re done, turn your page around, Professor Quirrell did a charm on the paper so the answer would appear when you’re done.”

  
“I got ENTP-T, aka the Debater? So, you’re telling me I’m the main character?” Remus giggled and shook his head  
“What about you?” I took his paper and turned it around.

  
“If you’d let me say it myself, you weren’t that far off, I got the advocate, INFJ.”

  
“Creative, gentle and caring.”  
“Our personalities are the most compatible,” Remus winked and smiled taking a sip of his water.

  
“What do you think the others are going to get?”

  
“Sirius is either the debater, like you, or maybe the protagonist.” Remus browsed the paper with his eyes looking for something to match his friends.

  
“James on the other hand is the architect, maybe the entertainer OR THE CONSUL.”Remus laughed at my eagerness for such a silly test.

  
“Peter could the defender, he doesn’t really do a lot besides run after Sirius and James though.”  
“What about Lily?” His knees touched mine under the small table. It made a shiver run through my body. Every time he touched me made me nervous, every time anyone did for that sake, but his touch intensified it.

  
“ENFP, I’d say at least. She’s quite likable and smiley-like, the sun and light of every event, isn’t she?” I was a little jealous of how much everyone liked Lily, she was beautiful and happy, everyone wanted to be her or with her. She’s probably why we were always out with the guys, but she’s also my best friend, which is why I can’t think like that.

  
“Yeah, maybe,” he didn’t say anything more about Lily or the test.  
For the rest of the evening we just sat there and talked. The school bells rang, which meant the great hall was about to open for supper.

  
“I kind of forgot about the essay for a while to be honest.” His honey-colored eyes made me weak, how could one person do so much to someone.

  
“Talking is just a lot more fun than writing.” Remus packed his stuff together. Both of our parchments were halfway written on. When he passed me, his entire back brushed against me, my body completely freezed for a second and a flush creeped across my already hot cheeks, I hope he didn’t notice.

  
“Do you think they have chocolate pudding today?”

  
“I don’t know why you think I’d know, but maybe?” I’ve never understood Remus’s obsession with chocolate, but it’s one of the most adorable things about him.  
“Maybe it’s time for S.E.M? Tonight, if they don’t have it of-course?”

  
It was so like Remus to suggest S.E.M meetings for pudding.

  
“Everything for pudding, right?”

  
“I bet they’d give us those squishy things you like too,” he got closer to me as we walked down the stairs from the library to the great hall.

  
“They’re called marshmallows and they never have them, but a girl can wish, right?”


	2. S.E.M

The Gryffindor common room was usually empty around 23:00. Lily, James, Remus, Sirius, Peter and I were finally left alone, ready to catch up and talk for hours. Even with James and Lily’s constant bickering, you couldn’t find a closer or better friend group than us. Especially the boys, they were closer than most blood related families I knew.  
“Y/N, they didn’t have the pudding at supper.” Remus plopped down next to me with a pout, followed by three other boys.

  
“I was there with you Rem, I know,” I couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of the four boys.

  
“So, are we going to do it or?” Sirius almost sat down on top of Remus.  
Once a month, we would sneak out to the kitchens and get cookies from the house elves working late and talk all night. Sirius had named it S.E.M. Snack-Elf-Mission. We told each other about our boring summers, made plans for the future and first and foremost ate a lot of snacks. It was a monthly mission, and we had gotten quite good at it.  
The night before my study date with Remus was the designated S.E.M day. Thanks to the four boys, our plan was fool proof. Somehow, they knew where everyone was all the time, or so it seemed like, because we were never caught.

  
We always started an hour after curfew. James and Sirius would go out first and walk a little bit ahead in case we needed to find a quick hiding spot, the rest of us walked in a tight group. Hogwarts was dark at night and it was a little scary, Remus was like a bodyguard, being 6’2, he was the only thing I could cling onto that made me feel safe. At least before I got a huge crush on him, as much as I wanted to stay close, he made me incredibly nervous and I didn’t want him to feel how fast my heart was beating due to his close presence.  
As we kept walking, we took two rights and some lefts a couple of stairs and after a couple more turns, we were there. Not an easy walk in the dark, but after a few wrong turns, we were outside the painting hiding the huge kitchen. James tickled the right pear, and we entered the ginormous kitchen. House elves swarmed the place preparing breakfast, cleaning or doing something else. A tiny house elf called Ophalia had helped us sneak snacks back to our common room every month for the past two years. She was younger than the rest of the elves with huge ears that hung from the side of her face.

  
“I have already prepared your biscuits masters,” she said with a smile and bowed.  
“Thank you Ophalia, this is very kind of you.” I took the cookies, and the rest of the snacks in a tiny backpack I brought. “Oh Y/N Y/L/N, you’re unlike any other witch I’ve ever met. Do you need anything else master?” She asked us all, Sirius had a smirk on his face and whispered something to her. She nodded and hurried off.

Minutes later she carried six bottles of butterbeer, a bag of marshmallows and some pudding for Remus. She handed it all to Peter and me. My eyes were wide open looking back and forth from everyone, Remus looked at me with the biggest grin and a million impulses took control of my body as I ran towards him and hugged him, “how did you-” I whispered a thank you to him before letting go, realizing it was probably a really strange sight for everyone, even for Remus himself.

  
“We can’t tell you Y/N, it’s part of the business.” James grabbed one of the bottles and opened it with his teeth.  
“Slow down Hercules, might break a tooth.”

“Y/N, don’t ruin my moment,” James took a huge swig of the butterbeer as we left the kitchen with our snacks.  
The way back was a little trickier than the way down. As we turned the corner to the Gryffindor tower, we heard footsteps approaching us from not too far away. A small brooms cot was luckily placed right next to us, and all six of us crammed into the small closet. It wasn’t exactly comfortable to be in the tiny closet, but we had to make it work. I was standing in the back next to Remus. Since he was taller than me, I looked up at him and how the dimly lit light hit his face. It was beautiful and reminded me that we would be alone together tomorrow night. He caught my staring and smiled at me. As we left his body brushed against mine and my skin felt like it was on fire, in the best possible way.  
The rest of the night was filled with humorous talks and stories. Remus and I shared multiple looks from across the couch, but never dared moving closer to one another.


	3. Nervous

The alarm bells at Hogwarts always ring 08:00. Luckily for us, Marlene always wakes up around 07:00. The early mornings never affected her mood. One morning she decided to wake us up by singing the first lines of Hello (in her best Lionel Richie impressionist voice.)  
In our second year we agreed that if I snook in a tea kettle, Marlene brought cute mugs and both Lily and Mae brought tea we could have a more home-like feeling while doing our makeup together by the window. In silence, with some music from the radio or just talking, we were all at least gathered for one part of the day.  
"Marlene where were you yesterday? I was asleep before you came back to the dorm.” Lily said while preparing the four cups of tea.  
Mae, who was usually didn't even open her eyes until Lily came over with her tea sat up in bed." Marlene was out with Sirius!" She said in the middle of a very tired yawn.  
"You were out with WHO?” Sirius was known as the school playboy and Marlene was known as a social butterfly, but she never goes after the popular boys.

  
"Good morning to you too, Mae." Marlene smiled to herself in the mirror. She had been in a much better mood lately, who could the mystery boy be.

  
“We were just hanging out, don’t tell anyone. It wasn’t anything like you guys imagined, we just talked.” She said with a huge grin, which made it a little harder to belive but the only ones who know what happened are Marlene and Sirius.

  
After eating breakfast, Marlene, Lily and I still had about fifteen minutes before Potions. Fifteen minutes did not necessarily mean we had very good time. Hogwarts is always changing, which means finding our classrooms are always a little bit difficult. They're always located in the same place but getting there is the tricky part. Some days Peeves doesn't want to let you pass, or the stairs are in the way or some other problem. A school full of teenage witches and wizards is not exactly an easy place to be all the time.

  
"Good morning class, I assume you've read your homework for today, which means we have time to have some fun today. This is N.E.W.T level potions, so fun does not correlate to easy, but well well I think you’ll like this. Amortentia, page 34 in your books, there are extras in the cupboard if anyone needs it." Professor Slughorn was quite brilliant at potions, and an okay Professor. Most of all he just wanted to collect worthy students for his Slug club and grade us, he didn't bother being too strict.

  
"I already know what your Amortentia is going to smell like," Lily whispered to me with a grin plastered on her face.  
"Why is your book scribbled in?"

  
"For the record, I know you're trying to change the subject, but I'll tell you anyway. before Sev and I stopped being friends he taught me a lot of things about potions and I just noted some stuff down during summer. Annoying and cruel with a brilliant mind."

  
I didn't want to talk about Snape. That greasy git wasn't worth mentioning. I hope Lily never forgives him, a mudblood isn't a word you go around and say, especially not to your friends. Say what you want about James and Sirius, but they would never, ever, call someone a mudblood.  
Sirius and Peter didn’t take Potions this year, but James and Remus were seated right behind us.

  
“Hey Evans, I bet yours smell exactly like me doesn’t it?” Lily tried ignoring him.

  
“My manly, clean, exoctic scent, maybe a little musky with a hint of leather or something.”

  
“No, Potter, it smells nothing like that. It smells like fruity tea, rain and a hint of a woolen blanket. Not manly, not exotic, definitely not musky and leathery.” Lily turned around with a desperate look, both me and Marlene understood what she meant. Her amortentia smelled exactly like what James had described. She wants to look at him and hate everything about him, but after so many years of him admiring her in such a straightforward way, how could she not be a tiny bit curious about why he fell so hard for her?

  
"Miss Evans, yet again, another perfect another potion on your desk. I must remind you, Slug club on Thursday!" He smiled widely and moved on to the other students.

  
"Mine smells like herbal tea and grass-" I stopped myself from talking, I failed to mention the faint foresty-earthy smell, or the fresh smell of new books and a slight hint of dark chocolate.

"Sounds like you're in love with Professor sprout Y/N," Marlene laughed and smelled her own amortentia.  
"Oh.”  
"It smells like car fuel and shampoo." Lily looked confused. I stayed silent and looked at Marlene, she was frowning as if she just couldn't piece together what had just happened.  
"I think I did it wrong."

"It looks perfect," I couldn't help but chuckle at her, she looked disappointed.

  
“This does not make sense." She whispered to me so no one would hear what we were talking about.  
The lecture Professor Slughorn had planned for us turned out to be more confusing than fun.

  
After Potions we had Transfiguration. Which meant it was close to the free period I had, me and Lupin were supposed to keep working on the Briggs assignment. The knot in my stomach grew bigger and bigger for each minute. It made me feel sick. When did he suddenly have such a big influence on me?  
Professor McGonagall’s words faded away together in a thick fog of mumbled sounds. Remus was sitting in front of me, which meant whatever I did to try to focus was quickly interrupted by his close presence. It made me dizzy.

  
"It is highly important that you all practice non-verbal spells before next Transfiguration class. Remember that the free periods you have this year are solely for studying! No trouble making, I’m looking at you two.” McGonagall turned her head towards James and Sirius who just laughed at her, she had always had a soft spot for the two boys. “Now, go off, good work today everyone." She smiled and waited for everyone to leave.

  
I walked out of the classroom, halfway hoping Remus would have forgotten about our deal. I felt a hand grab my wrist. I turned around to see the tall, sweet boy smiling at me.

  
"Did you forget our study date today?" Date, study date, date with Remus? No, study date.  
"How could I, I just thought I saw you leave, sorry, I-"

"It's okay Y/N, you don't have to worry I was just messing with you." He looked at me with the same warm, honey brown eyes as always.  
"What do we have left?”

  
We found our way to a free table in the back of the library. I took off my robe and hung it over the bench.  
"We’re pretty much done, just have to write down the history behind their work and why it might be wrong to label people like that.”  
“As if we can really comment on that,” Remus pointed to the Gryffindor shirt I was wearing.

  
"I’ve taken some notes if you want to see what I’ve written?" I always brought some muggle notebooks; they were a lot easier to carry around than a bunch of scrolls.  
He got up from his seat and stood behind me to read my notes. I could feel his breath lightly tickling my neck while he was reading what I had written. It felt like a million butterflies gave birth to another set of million butterflies and swarmed my entire body. I looked up at him as he was reading, another chance to look at his face. Compared to most guys here, his face was not filled with dozens of freckles, but covered in many small cuts and scars, and two quite deep scars. The most noticeable, cute thing was three cute moles on the side of his face, like a little constellation.

  
His eyes met mine with confusion, either my notes were awful, or he noticed I was staring.  
"It looks good, but we are still missing their origin and why they made it."

  
"Oh, right, I was a little tired yesterday" He didn't answer but leaned back just staring at what I was doing, or at least that's what it felt like he was doing. The parchment I was writing on blurred as his knees touched mine under the small table. I completely froze, how did his touch affect me so much. "Are you alright Y/N, is something wrong? I don't know how to say this in a nice way, but you look a little anxious" He snaked his hand on mine to comfort me, not knowing it just made my body burn. Our eyes met his the second I looked up.

  
"Sorry, it’s just, everything about you make me incredibly nervous, I'm sorry." My voice felt weak, I didn’t even want to look at him. What an embarrassing thing to say Y/N.

  
"Oh, I'm sorry." Remus got up quickly, grabbing his backpack at the same time and left without saying another word. I tried to follow him, but his legs were so much longer than mine it was impossible to keep up. Was what I said really that weird? Is he that appalled by the thought of me liking him?  
I don't know how I managed to screw up such an easy thing. It was simple, work together on the assignment, don't seem to dumb or too smart and just be cool. Blimey Y/N, you always mess things up.


	4. I left

I sat in the library for maybe an hour just staring at the dark wood on the floor. The scene replayed in my head. What did I do.  
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of James and Sirius barging into the library, speaking loudly (as they normally did) "where the bloody hell is that girl?" They sounded extremely upset, I would not want to be the one who makes those two that angry.  
Then they came closer to where I was sitting. "Y/N, how did you know?" James looked very angry, but also confused. Sirius had the same look etched on his face, sitting down next to him.  
"What do you mean, know what?"

  
"You know what we're talking about." Sirius' voice sounded like he was seconds away from shouting at me, but Madam Pince was not one to let you go easily if you bother her.

  
"Sirius, honestly, I don't know what you're talking about."

  
"So why did Remus come to us all freaked out telling us you know,"  
"What?"

  
"I know what? Can you just ask me a real question and not be so incredibly vague?"

  
"No, as a matter of fact, I can’t Y/N. Now, what exactly did you tell him earlier?"

  
"If it bothers you this much, which by the way, I think is very weird, I'll tell you what happened.” They didn't budge and kept waiting for an answer.

  
"We were sitting here talking about the assignment and he was just so close. I kept looking down at the table because Remus makes me nervous and I can't help it. So, when he asked me about why I didn't look at him, I told him the truth. He makes me nervous. Is it that weird for a teenage girl to be a little nervous around a guy? Is it that big of a deal that he has to send his two best friends to embarrass me in front of everyone at the library? Now you know, I can't talk to guys, thank you. Now if you let me, I’ll go away. Tell Remus I'm sorry for whatever I did."

  
Before I left, Sirius grabbed my hand, just like Remus did before we came in here. "So, you don't know?" He looked into my eyes as if he was searching for something.

  
“Okay. Just relax please, you’re making me anxious. I’ve been his friend for a couple of years now, what can be so problematic about him that you think I’d be mad enough to leave him?”

  
They both laughed and shared a look. Every single nerve in my body wanted to know what they were talking about, but I knew they couldn’t tell me. Out of respect for Rem, I had to let him tell me whatever this was about, whenever he was ready, no matter how much it ached in my heart to find out what it was.  
“How do I make him forgive me?”

  
James and Sirius just shrugged and turned around to leave.

  
“You mean to tell me you’re just going to drop a bomb like that and leave? Freak me out like someone’s dying, and then just let me sit here in agony wondering what the bloody hell you’re making all of this fuss about?”

  
They both shrugged again and kept walking. I guess I just had to face Remus. This study date could not have gone any worse.  
He was sitting under a tree, like always, no matter what was going on, you could always count on him to be under this particular tree.  
“Hey, Rem.”

  
Remus turned around and looked at me, his eyes hid a mix of hurt and anger.  
“Hey.”

  
“I, James and Sirius came and talked to me. I think there might have been a slight misunderstanding.” He looked confused and worried and relieved all at the same time.  
“Your look earlier made it quite clear what you meant, looked as if you’d seen a banshee or something Y/N.” He looked genuinely sad.

  
I sat down next to him; our legs were touching slightly. This time I wasn’t the slightest bit nervous, it was comforting knowing he wasn’t mad.  
“I don’t think you understand how much of me it takes to say this, but I don’t want you to be mad at me. I was only nervous because I think you’re cute, actually very gorgeous. I don’t know what you think about me or if you just find the thought about me repulsive but that’s why you make me nervous. I think I might like you. That’s why I looked at you, scared, as you so kindly put it.”

  
Remus looked at me shocked. Speechless. Nothing came out of his mouth. He was just staring at me. We had been friends for so long now, you would think this would be easier, or maybe it just makes it even more complicated.

  
“Y/N, I, I don’t know what to say. I thought- well it doesn’t matter what I thought. I don ‘t fancy you, I thought we were just friends. I’m sorry. I just can’t be with anyone.” His eyes were sad, but his words didn’t have a bit of comfort in them. His words felt like a cold dagger being forced through my heart.  
This time it was I who left.


	5. A lot can be revealed to those who look close enough

The next day felt everlasting. Our first lecture on Thursdays did not start until after lunch. All of the Gryffindors in sixth year were good friends(ish). Lily, James, Peter, Marlene, Mae Sirius, Remus and I always sat together studying in the library. It has to be said that James and Sirius often used their time outside instead of studying, god knows who they were pranking, but it was cruel. You could often find Peter following after them doing the boring dirty work. We had learned that nothing could stop them, no matter how many lectures you have them, the two boys loved being mean.

  
This time wasn’t any different, the three guys were out. Remus usually stayed in here studying with us. I don’t think he was against their bullying because he never tried to stop them, but he was a huge nerd and what nerd choses bullying when they could stay in?  
Marlene had always been good at school, good with people in general. On her side of the table, she and Lily were discussing something about stirring potions the right way, it all sounded like another language to me.

  
Meanwhile my side of the table was a little quieter. All I could think about was Remus, everyone knew what he had said yesterday, what I had said. Everyone knew he didn’t want me. It hurts to like someone for so many years and be shot down because of an idiotic misunderstanding.  
At this point, I felt like a huge burden to the group. They were all trying to work, and I was just there, all sad and gloomy. The type where you feel like everyone notices your heavy energy.  
“Where are you going?” Remus asked me as I got up to leave the library.

  
“I’m just going to the common room, relax a little before Charms you know?” I tried to laugh and hide that I really just wanted to be away from them all.  
I saw James, Sirius and Peter hiding behind a wall, hexing some young third year so her books were impossible to carry, they kept slipping out of her hands. The poor girl was so confused. Turning the corner where they stood, I watched the three boys smile and laugh at her confused state.

  
“You know this is why Lily hates you, right? If you were a little nice to people, maybe she would actually be interested in you.”  
James muttered something under his breath and the girl finally got a grip of her books and left in a hurry, as did the three boys.

  
The common room was almost empty of students. Only two seventh years sat in the corner reading a huge book. I sat down in the couch and got out my sketchbook. I loved sketching people, especially faces. Not in a hyper realistic way, but in a way, I get to express both my and their emotions. The fire was cackling with tall flames, it was very calming compared to down in the library. My thoughts kept going back to last night. His face when I told him, why did I even tell him? I feel like a fool.

  
After about twenty minutes, the portrait door swung open and in came Remus. He didn’t say a single word, his eyes scanned the room and looked at the two people sitting in the corner of the room, too absorbed with their schoolwork to notice us. He sat down only a couple of centimeters away from me.  
“It doesn’t have to be this awkward.” His voice hid an angry tone.  
“What do you mean Rem, we’ve been friends for so long and I completely fucked it up.” I whispered to avoid too much attention from the students behind us.

  
“I’m sorry Y/N but it’s not my fault is it, why are you so mad at me?” Remus stood up and I followed. I looked up at the boy who was at least a head taller than me.  
“ME? Angry? Remus you have to be kidding. I just confessed that I’ve fancied you since fourth year, and you didn’t even care? I’m not angry, I’m just a little sad and embarrassed.”  
He looked at me and pursed his lips.

  
“Just say something Remus, please just say something.”

  
He brought me to his tree. His precious, private safe spot that was only really reserved for private conversations and relaxing. He was seated in his usual spot, back leaning on the huge tree trunk. The place had an amazing view towards Hogwarts and the water surrounding it.

  
“Are you going to stand there all day or sit down with me?”  
“Sorry, it’s just so beautiful here.” The sky was clear today and if you looked closely, first years were practicing mounting their brooms in the quidditch pitch.  
We were quiet for a while and he took out a book.

  
“Have you heard about this book before?”  
He held up a children’s book, “The Child In the Mirror,” from the state of it, something I assume his parents read to him when he was younger.

  
“You know I was raised by muggles who religiously hates magic right? I grew up with Mog the Forgetful Cat and Snow White.”

  
“To be honest, I have no idea what that is,” he laughed at the irony; neither of us knew anything about the others childhood.  
“Can you read it to me? Let me hear what you grew up with”. I sat down and leaned against his torso, the rest of my body laying on the grass.

  
He grinned and opened the book. A note well out, I could only read a glimpse of it before he snatched it and put it back in a tiny paper pocket on the first page of the book. The three words I read were, we love you. He started reading without saying anything about the note, I guessed he did not want to talk about it, so I didn’t ask.  
He read about an outsider. A wolf with magical abilities, everyone disliked the wolf, maybe even hated him. Even other wizards and witches looked down on him, he was different, and he didn’t know why. A picture of the wolf looking in a mirror, seeing young, hurt boy looking back at him was seen as the last page with the words “the boy that hides within the monster.”

  
“Lycanthropy?” I asked as he closed the book.

  
“Yes, this is one of the books they banned during the werewolf segregation. The ministry said it gave children the idea that werewolves were humans. I don’t know if you remember, from third year when we learned about this, but this book was always favorite.”

  
“That’s horrible, I never knew it was that bad. What about all the young werewolves out there? Innocent children are not monsters, it’s absolutely disgusting to think otherwise.” I felt anger boil inside of me as he told me about what the ministry had been doing.  
We continued to lay there for a while.

  
“Do you reckon James and Lily will end up together?” I shifted on the grass from lying on him to sitting across from him.  
“I’d put my bets on Marlene and Sirius to be honest,” Remus burst out laughing. Sirius had never had a girlfriend, sure he had hookups and short relationships, but nothing real. Neither had Marlene.

  
“NO, I know what you’re going to say. They’re the same, but also not at all. I think Marlene would balance him out, cancel out the craziness a little.”

  
“I put three galleons on Lily and James by December,” he held out his hand and I shook it.

  
“Fine, I think I’ll win, but go ahead, I’ll only be a little bit richer when Christmas comes around.”

  
We stopped laughing, his eyes caught mine. It was like I realized all over again just how truly beautiful he was. He didn’t smile, his mouth was slightly open, and his eyes roamed my face. His fingers found their way to mine and we kept eye contact, it was easy to lose yourself in his deep-set brown eyes. Our moment was broken off by my stomach growling.  
“You could’ve told me you’re hungry Y/N, let’s go get you some food.”

  
“It’s a shame to miss the sunset though, isn’t it?”

  
“There are millions of sunsets we can look at, but only one you, and you need food.” How could I not be completely mesmerized by such a considerate boy?

  
He swiftly got up, still holding my hand the entire way back to the castle.  
Of-course, the first thing we saw when we got down to the kitchens was Regulus and his friends. “Rem, it’s Sirius’ brother, what do we do?”

  
“Hey Remus,” Regulus waved and smiled at him.

“Hey Reg, how’s school?”  
“Quite shit, isn’t it? You and Y/N together now?” He said as he took a bite of a peach.

  
“I, well, I don’t know yet, so no I guess” Remus said, and Regulus just nodded awkwardly.

  
“Well, say hi to Marlene from me.” He said and left with two Slytherin boys.

  
“I thought Sirius said he was a twatty git?”

  
“There are always two sides to a story, isn’t there?”

  
“Just like in your book,” I said, more to myself than to him, but I understood why he liked it so much.  
Opahlia came running over the moment she saw us.

  
“Hey Opahlia, how are you?”

  
The little elf looked nervous and scolded herself.

  
“I’m not supposed to speak to you, does my masters need food?”

  
“Yes, Opahlia, do you have any leftovers from lunch, thank you so much.”  
Getting into why she couldn’t speak to us wouldn’t be smart. They were forced to believe they were meant to be lesser than us. The only thing a good witch/wizard can do is be as respectful as possible, treat them as a fellow magical being.

  
“She is always so nice to us, isn’t she?”

  
Opahlia had given us two plates of toast, eggs, bacon and baked beans. We had to eat it in the kitchen of-course, as everyone would know we knew something we shouldn’t if they saw us walking around the castle with two plates filled with food.

  
“Yes, but she also kinda has no choice, Y/N. It’s her job.”

  
“We do treat her better than 90% of the rest of the staff here, I bet you 3 galleons we're her favorites. Not that any other students can get into the kitchen except for us, which I don’t get how you figured out.”

  
“A lot can be revealed to those who look close enough.”


	6. Bloody hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone fights :o

“Marlene why didn’t you wake us up, class started twenty minutes ago!” Lily yelled, but no Marlene were to be found in our dorm.  
Our room was too cold. For a school full of witches and wizards, was surprisingly bad at keeping it warm during the winter.

  
“No time for tea today,” Lily said while, not so elegantly, putting on her robe for class. She rushed out of the room before either me or Mae had gotten up from bed.  
“It’s so tempting to stay in bed all day,” Mae tiringly uttered right before I almost dozed off again. I sat up in the bed and looked out at the sun slowly coming out from over the mountains.  
When my feet touched the stone floor, it felt like walking barefoot on a glacier. “Get up Mae, you can’t stay in bed all day. Trust me, you don’t want to have that conversation with Professor McGonagall.”

  
From what Lily said before she stormed out, I assumed I had gotten out right before class was over, which meant we were about to leave for Muggle Studies with Professor Quirrell.  
I got to class a little too early, not even Professor Quirrell was there yet. I went to sit down at my desk, the desk I know is always surrounded Remus and his four friends. I mainly took this class because it was an easy good grade for me, I’m not sure why they took it. Sirius probably wants to annoy his mum and dad by taking such a “useless” class about worthless beings or whatever they call muggles.

  
“Early today miss Y/L/N?”

  
“I guess you could say that.”

  
The door opened and in flooded a bunch of Hufflepuffs. They were all very tired looking, but still greeted both the teacher and me as they found their seats.

  
“There you are sleepyhead, how come you, Lily and Mae were late this morning?” Sirius sat down next to me, as he always did in this class. James had forced Sirius to sit with me so he could get as much help from Rem as he could. Not that he needed it, but Muggle studies wasn’t his strongest suit, and neither Remus’s, so it was rather stupid of him.  
“Marlene is gone, she didn’t come back last night, and didn’t wake us up this morning.”

  
“Oh, I think I know where she was,” he nodded his head towards the door. Right as I asked, Marlene had walked past our classroom with a huge grin on her face.

  
“Did you let her stay in the boy’s dorm all night? Sirius you could’ve told me, I was worried sick!”

  
“Not me, relax Y/N, some other boy, I think he’s a Hufflepuff?”

  
“Where’s Remus by the way? And the other boys? Do you think the Hufflepuff is in this class?”

  
“James is just out talking to Lily, Peter is behind us and Remus is taking care of his mother, she’s a little sick again.”

  
“Sirius, she’s been sick every month since first year, Rem can’t really be expected to take care of her all the time?”  
“Y/N, don’t question this, his mother is sick, what more do you need to know?”  
It wasn’t really something worth questioning, everyone knew he would be gone a couple days each month. I started doubting what was really going on after third year, he was far too young to take care of his mother. The boys never said anything about it though.  
Professor Quirrell was explaining how and why muggles use electricity and solar panels to survive, which seemed quite obvious to me, but most students shared an equally confused look as he kept talking.

“Did any of you see Mar in your dorms last night?” Sirius whispered to the group of boys behind us and they all just shook their heads.

  
“I think I saw her with Regulus, there were some Slytherins there at least.” One of the boys named Harrison said.

  
Sirius turned his head to me with wide eyes, in a couple seconds after he stared at me as if I was a ghost, I realized who Regulus was. Regulus Black, Regulus Black – Sirius’s brother.

  
“If he uses Marlene as one of his shitty one-night stands I’ll kill him.” Sirius looked furious.

  
“Y/N, he’s not good for her. He shares the exact same ideas as my parents, it wouldn’t surprise me if he was already a death eater. It’s not a coincidence I live at the Potters.”

  
“Maybe it’s just a quick hookup, you know Marlene, she might be a pureblood, but her best friends are two muggleborn, she’s nothing like your parents, you know that.”  
“That’s not what I’m worried about.” Professor Quirrell let out a quiet yelp as Sirius slammed the classroom door and stormed out.

  
Professor Quirrell ignored Sirius’s dramatic exit and kept talking. I quietly packed my bags and left the classroom.  
“Where are you going miss Y/L/N?” Professor Quirrell stopped writing on the blackboard and sighed.

  
“I just, something came up, you know, they need me.” He rolled his eyes and turned back to the class.

  
This time felt different than their usual troublesome behavior, as Professor McGonagall calls it, he looked furious. Where was Remus in all of this, he wasn’t with his mother. He couldn’t be with his mother; the teachers wouldn’t let him leave for two days every single month just to assist her with whatever illness she had. Why wasn’t she at St.Mungos instead? Why did he never tell us about it? We talked about everything BUT his mother. I rushed through the halls to find Sirius, trying to avoid all students and teachers on my way.

  
I saw him by the quad. He was rolling a cigarette, his face looked tense and uptight. “Risky to do that around here isn’t it Sirius?”

  
“I can’t find Marlene, Regulus, James or Remus” Remus had always gotten in fights when none of the other boys were around. He was always quiet and peaceful, until he wasn’t.

  
“It’s going to be alright, isn’t Rem still with his mother? Marlene and James are probably in class, and I honestly didn’t know you even talked to Regulus anymore?”  
He sat down against the stone wall trying to light his cigarette. This was the side of the marauders no one saw. They were always there for each other, through everything. When they aren't, things like this happens.  
I had to chuckle a little at his shaking hands trying to light the lighter.

“Here, let me help you.” I took out my own bright yellow lighter and lit it for him. “Don’t tell anyone that me, Sirius Black, just failed lighting a cigarette.” We both burst out laughing a little before he got serious again.

  
“James has Mugglestudies with us, Remus is, well yeah probably like you said, with his mum. Marlene has Divination today and she isn’t there. I don’t talk to Regulus, I just have something to discuss with him.”

  
“Do you like Marlene? Otherwise, you know they’re both grown enough to make their own decisions, plus it was a random Hufflepuff you asked, he could be wrong?”

  
“I’ve noticed them walking together a couple of times now Y/N, I know my brother. I know my friends, I need to find them. And no, I don’t fancy Marlene, I just hate my brother.”  
“Come on then, let’s go find them.”

  
Sirius threw the cigarette but behind a bush before we left. His hair was tied in a loose bun.  
We checked the Gryffindor Tower, where only three seventh years were studying. When we got out in the hall, we heard someone talking quite loudly. I looked at Sirius before we both bolted towards the hospital wing.

  
Remus was hunched over Regulus as he beat hit him hard in the nose. James stood behind Marlene, who was trying to him off Regulus.  
Rem looked lost, like he wasn’t there, and James probably enjoyed the sight of the hurt Slytherin boy. The blood on his hands indicated that he probably already had been hitting him for a while, but Sirius managed to drag him away and turned to his brother.

  
He wasn’t with his mother. He looked tired, he looked sick. His mother wasn’t the sick one, it was him. James on the other hand was probably at the hospital wing with Remus today.  
When he was pulled away and stood there for a slight second, it was like a light turned on inside of him and he looked like he was full of regret. The anger was still there, but it was combined with a strong sense of sadness and pain. I went over to Remus, he felt like a ball of angry energy. His hands were shaking, his eyes were watery. I knew I had some first aid kit in my bag from home and going to Madam Pomfrey now would probably make the situation worse.  
“I tried to get him off Sirius, I really did. I’m sorry Regulus, I tried.”

  
“Regulus what the bloody hell is going on with you?” Marlene cries and Sirius angry questions were heard from far away. Remus and I walked back to the Gryffindor Tower together in silence. I was trying to understand. Sometimes he snapped, and when he did, it wasn’t pretty.  
I held his arm in mine and sat him down in the common room couch.

“Can I help you with this?” I asked him and held his hands in mine. It didn’t look like Regulus had given him much of a challenge since it was only his lip and hands that needed cleaning.

  
“What happened this time?”

  
“I just can’t help it Y/N. I’m sorry. What if he hurts her? You know what Sirius has told us about his family. Regulus is probably a death eater already, Marlene deserves better than him. You should have seen what he said, what he did. I lost it. I’m sorry.”

  
“You're a prefect Rem, don't apologize to me. Besides that, there’s two sides to every story.”

  
“Sorry if this hurts a bit by the way,” I let a few droplets of wound cleanser fall on his hand and used a cotton pad to wipe off all the dirt.  
I felt his pulse beat at an abnormally fast speed when I held his hand. He didn’t say anything but stared intensely at me as my hand moved from his hand to his face.

  
“You just, you have some blood here too,” I tried to laugh it off and he smiled lightly.

I reached into my pocket and took out three galleons. "It's not december, but I don't think she'll go for his brother any time soon." Remus chuckled a bit before wincing at his sore lip. 

  
Now I understand why Sirius was so nervous.


	7. Lycanthropy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh shiet

I wanted him to promise me to never hurt someone again. I wanted him to promise to try his best to stay calm, but it wasn’t my place to say. I wanted to hold him and tell him it was wrong, but it’s also okay to make mistakes. A reaction is a reaction, you just have to learn from your mistakes. But he wasn’t mine, I couldn’t tell him what to do.

  
Something I realized was how different he was compared to the person I thought he was, the person I saw through the windows in our dorm room. A boy with a lot of hidden anger that came out through fighting.

  
“Mars, what are you and Regulus, really?” Lily questioned while walking over with our morning tea. We had put a full-body length mirror against the windowsill to get ready, and I could see Marlene’s stressed look in her reflection.

  
“I’m sorry, I can’t really talk about it.”  
My lips pursed and I kept quiet while Lily sat down with us. I wonder how Remus is doing.

  
“We’re your best friends. Are you two a thing, are you helping him with something? What is so secret you can’t even tell us?”

  
“All you need to know is that I’m fine.” All I can think about is Remus and how this affected him.

  
“Why wouldn’t you be? That stresses me more than if you just told us what was going on. Is there any way you wouldn’t be okay? Marlene you know what Sirius has told us about his family.” I added to what Lily said.

  
“And both of you know Sirius isn’t always nice either. We’re still friends with him, aren’t we? Sometimes, people aren’t as they seem. You two are always with the boys, and they bully everyone. Should we even talk about when Sirius tried to lure Snape to that big spider by the willow, the so called “prank”, or is that something everyone just agreed to never speak about ever again? Regulus is quiet and is never really doing anything. How is he worse than them?” Marlene snapped.

Both Lily and I got quiet. Besides a quiet slurp here and there from the tea, the only sound was Mae snoring lightly in bed. She never got up until right before we left, but every part of me wishes she would just get up now and defuse some of the tension.

  
Lily muttered a quiet “that’s not fair,” before Marlene got up and left for class. It was Tuesday, first class was Herbology, which should be fairly chill. Marlene wasn’t in this class either. Out of the group she was probably the one who took the least popular classes like Arithmancy and Runes. Sirius and James didn’t take this class either, god knows what they were up to.

  
Remus’s lip was almost all healed up, but he was still slightly swollen and blue around the right corner of his mouth. He didn’t notice either Lily or me sitting down next to him.

“Hey, fighter boy, good morning Peter” I flicked his shoulder to let him know we were here. Peter waved tiredly at us and laid his head on the desk.

  
“Good morning Y/N, Lily,” he chuckled and turned his focus to Professor Sprout.  
Professor Sprout was known to ramble, and I couldn’t help but zone out as she kept talking about some essay we had to write about our previous topic, poisonous mistletoe. I watched Remus as he slowly dipped in and out of sleeping, it was quite cute how he shook himself awake each time.

  
“You wanna go get some black tea later from our dorm? Some caffein to get you through the day.” Since he had been halfway asleep, he turned around to look at me with a tired and confused. My stomach fluttered when his eyes met mine, the tired look combined with slightly messy hair was awfully cute. ´

  
“I think I need it.” He laughed a little again before laying his head back on the desk.

  
“Alright class. We’ll be talking about the Whomping Willow today. She’s fairly young, the one we have here at Hogwarts, but too old to use as an example. I’ll be teaching you, or rather explaining to you, how to take care of a young whomping willow. They are, as you’ve probably noticed, quite violent. As most living things, they’re a lot more playful when they’re young, but that does not mean she isn’t dangerous. The trees playful behavior can be very harmful to us mortal people.” Peter looked up from his uncomfortable sleeping position and whispered something to Remus, who just nodded in response.

  
I kept my eyes focused on the boy in front of me. Except for Mae, who was exceptionally good at Herbology, almost the entire class were either zoned out or asleep. Remus shifted multiple times on the desk as Professor Sprout kept talking about the willow. Under the desk, his hands were clenched so hard together that his fingers were white. The same anger was inside of him as I saw yesterday.

  
“I know that they are used all over the wizarding world to protect something or hold back danger. As we all know, Hogwarts is a mysterious place, who knows what ours is doing here. Anyway, you will all get a small Wheeping Willow, they are not dangerous, but with the help of Professor Quirrell, we have created something with the similar needs of a juvenile Whomping Willow.”

  
Some of the Ravenclaws were discussing how they were going to do it, what they were going to need and how stressful it would be. Since Mae, Lily, Remus, Peter and I were the only Gryffindors in this class, we would all ask Mae for help.

  
“Alright, I trust you with these precious trees. They’ll be discharmed and planted behind the school after we’re done with them, so be careful!” She said and handed out a pot and plant to all the students on their way out.  
“Mae and I have some work to do this free period, but can’t you two just hang?” Lily smiled and dragged Mae away from us, who added Peter in their three-person chain. Very subtle.

  
“So, is your offer still on the table or?” Remus’s hand was stroking the back of his neck.

  
“Yes-yes, of-course. I mean, you can’t come up to our dorm, but I’ll bring it to the common room. We have until DADA which doesn’t start until after lunch.” I rushed off to grab our little bag of drinks and rushed back down to the common room.

He opened the basket and his eyes shot open. “You have chocolate milk?” He was so different from when he’s angry, it’s like he’s not even the same person. He changes, he’s peaceful now, like a little boy.

  
“I- it was a little short thought out from our side, we don’t have milk..” It physically hurt to say no when he had got so excited.  
“I mean, sounds like we need a short, daytime version, two-person S.E.M trip?.” Remus looked at me with the same mischievous grin as Sirius and James had before getting detention with Filch.

  
We hid the basket under the couch and tried to walk as casually as possible down to the dungeons. It wasn’t too far away from the Gryffindor tower, but far enough to get asked one too many questions by a Professor.

  
“Do you remember which pear it was?” Remus stared at the painting with confusion.  
“It’s always you or Sirius who know which one it is, how would I know?”  
“What are you two doing down here?”

  
“James, just the person we need. Pear, which one was it again?”  
“Where are the others? You two have been awfully a lot alone lately.” James got closer to us and smiled.

  
Remus kept trying to tickle all of the pears, and suddenly the door to the kitchens opened and we slipped in to get the milk, ignoring James’s questioning.  
“Opahlia!” Remus and I tried to whisper yell for her, and as always, she came running to us.

  
“Do you possibly have some leftover milk for us?”

  
“Yes masters, right away!” She came back only a minute later with the milk in her hands.

  
“Thank you so much,” I said before we walked out again.

  
“Was all that for milk? You walked in there, in plain daylight, risked our privileged smartness for milk.” “Chocolate milk Sirius, chocolate.milk.” Remus stepped closer and shook the milk carton in his hands.

  
The halls were filled with our laughs on our way back to the common room. We met Lily, Mae and Peter on our way back who joined us.

  
“There isn’t enough for everyone.” Remus said and held the milk carton tightly.  
“Just take it Rem,” I had to lean over Sirius who was lying over us again to give him one of the chocolate-powder packs.

  
“What a good way to use your free period,” Marlene said coldly and walked up to the dorm.

  
In seconds it went from loud laughter to total silence in the common room. She had always been there, and now she was mad at everyone. “What is that boy doing to her?” Lily looked at us all searching for an answer none of us had.  
“I talked to him, but he wouldn’t say shit,” Sirius said through gritted teeth and clenched fists.

  
“Pads just forget about it, it’s not your responsibility.”  
“It’s my bloody family, that makes it my problem.” Sirius sat up and looked at James.

  
“I know mate, but you can’t do anything. You’re just sixteen, just enjoy being sixteen.”

  
The great hall was already filled with food and students when we got there. It looked just as magical as the first time we saw it. The teachers were laughing and talking. Nothing compared to lunch here, it was even better when we were all friends.

  
“I’m starving,” I had filled up my plate up the minute we sat down. I loved food, and it had never really been an issue to eat around people. I had started to eat a while before everyone else, except for peter who was eating like it was his last meal.  
Remus sat next to me.

His thigh was touching mine again, and even though the nervousness had disappeared, my entire body felt like it was on fire. His touch affected me a lot more than it should. Just by his legs touching me, I became much more aware of all of his movements. Concentrating on eating became a lot harder when he was so close to me, yet I had eaten more than anyone in our group.

  
Marlene never came down to eat with us, neither did Regulus. We were all paying attention to where they both were. The two were probably together. Marlene had always disliked Slytherins, which made the situation even more confusing.  
“Lily, you can’t hate me forever. We’re friends.” James suddenly said after a long time of being quiet. Everyone else were a little tired of his efforts, but it was also hard to not laugh.

  
“James, you’re an idiot. What do you expect?” Lily scootched away from him and tried talking to us instead. Sirius, Rem, Peter and James turned to each other and talked about some “Marauders thing,” as they called it.  
“We should have a nickname too, since they’re basically a boyband.”  
Lily, Mae and I had always made fun of the irony of being the coolest guys at school, yet they had a self-given nickname for their group, and each of the members.

  
The four boys suddenly got up and Remus tapped my shoulder, “can you help me with the wheeping willow later?” I nodded and he left with the other boys.  
After Charms and DADA, I was working with my wheeping willow in the common room. Remus and the boys came in laughing. The common room was usually fairly quiet until they entered.

  
Everyone except Rem went to the boy’s dorm.

  
“Yours is already better looking than mine,” he chuckled nervously and got his out of a backpack. He wasn’t lying, it didn’t look the best at the moment. His sweatshirt was dragged all the way up to his elbows, his arms were covered in scars.  
I couldn’t help but look at them, did he do it to himself?

  
Then it clicked. It all just made sense, but it couldn’t be true, the childrens book, the whomping willow, the nervousness, his mother being sick, the scars.  
“You just need to caress the leaves, they’re young and playful, but strong, so do it at the top.”

  
He tried to gently touch one of her leaves, but was slapped away hard by one of her branches. “I don’t think she likes me.”

  
“Codswallop, you're impossible to not like. You just have to be a little more gentle” I held his hand over the pot and guided him to do it the right way. He smiled when the plant suddenly got greener and stopped moving around so much.

  
These two weeks of wheeping willow babysitting were going to feel like years. He did not have the hang of it in the slighest. We stopped working for the night and sat there for a long time talking.

Some time during our conversation I had moved from the chair to leaning on his shoulder. His hand was intertwined with mine, my stomach fluttered every time he started playing with my fingers while telling a story. I loved being this close to him. Every time I laughed, he followed and I could feel it by him moving beside me. He had just as stupid jokes as Sirius and James, but when he told them it was ten times more funny.

But my eyes kept coming back to the scars on his hands. His sweater was pulled up to his elbow. His entire arm was covered in small scars and scratches. Some of the cuts were deep and long. 

  
"The book you read me,"

  
“Yeah, the childrens book?” He answered

  
“How long have you been a lycanthrope?”

  
He turned quiet and let go of my hand.


	8. Look at me

“You disappear for two days every month, always around the full moon. The scars, I mean it’s always just kind of been a part of you, but it’s hard not to wonder where they come from. The reaction you, James and Sirius had a couple of days ago at the library. The sudden anger, the book, the whomping willow. It all adds up.”

The smile we had both had faded. He looked as if a million thoughts passed through his mind at once. I reached out my hand to hold his again, but it was quickly moved away from mine.

“Are you-, are you scared of me? Are you mad?”

I looked at him for a while. His jaw was clenched hard together. His eyes were filled with water and he stared open-mouthed on the floor. I shouldn’t have said anything. Remus Lupin had lycanthropy, and no one knew.

“Can you look at me, please.”

His head turned and looked at me with a bitter look. What was the right thing to say to someone you just found out were a werewolf?

A tear fell from my face while I looked into his eyes. I leaned forward until my face was only a cm away from his face. I could feel his breath on my face as we looked at each other. A slight smile sneaked up on his face before I closed the gap between us. His hand went to my cheek and mine to his hair. His lips were rough against mine. All of our thoughts poured out into the kiss and between each one he muffled “why did you have to find out.”

After a while he stopped and leaned his forehead against mine. My hand was as good as glued to his hair. “You’re the same as you’ve always been.”

“I’m a monster Y/N. Look at what I’ve done to myself. Look at my arms, my face, my legs, look at me. I look like I’m at least 30 and I’m only 16. Imagine” His voice cracked “Imagine what I can do to others Y/N. I’m not the same, I’ve never been what or who you thought I was. I’m dangerous, I’m hated by everyone, except you, James, Lily, Sirius and Peter. If people knew, even you would be an outcast in society just by looking my way. I’m a monster.”

“Let’s get away from the common room huh?”

We went back to where he had first read me the children’s book.

“A monster doesn’t put everyone in above himself. You could’ve chosen to live with the other werewolves, but here you are. Hurting yourself, every single month instead of being like them. Here you are, loving everyone around you. You give more than you take, you are not a monster. You are Remus J. Lupin. An unlucky guy with a good heart. If you can look at the boy in the book and feel pain for him, why do you look at yourself with so much hate?”

He didn’t answer but sat down and held his arms around me.

“Y/N, you had the right to know. It can’t be held a secret forever. Lily already knows. She found out last year because James left class to see me in the hospital wing, and she followed him.”

“I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“We’ve basically been side by side since James decided he wanted to marry Lily, and you think you being afflicted with lycanthropy makes me afraid of you? Remus, I’ve seen you basically cry because they didn’t have more pudding at dinner. Lycanthropy or not, I’ll never be afraid of you.”

I knew he didn’t believe me. He was always occupied with something when I was around, whether it was marauder business or homework. We just existed in each other’s presence. Maybe he grew sick of me, maybe he really was busy.

Marlene still spent her days coldly ignoring us. It was difficult because she went against every unwritten ground rule in our friendship. Sirius never spoke to his brother, so why would we? It was a basic respect type thing. I think it hurt Sirius because Mars had always been his girl-best friend. She had the same energy level as him, which was the key part to their friendship. When James was clumsily trying to win over Lily and Remus was completely plastered after an hour, Marlene was there to dance and do stupid things together. On top of that, as someone who has two muggleborn best friends, you don’t exactly go party with the ones who want us dead.

Professor Sahani had taken over Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Sirius immediately charmed his way into her heart. I sat with Lily in the second row of desks. She was one of the most respected teachers at Hogwarts, even if she had only been her for two months.

“Good morning everyone, I hope you all have had a good night of sleep.” Her smiled warmed up the room. “I think you’ll enjoy today’s topic. Inferi, can someone tell me what it is? Perhaps Mr. Lupin?” She nodded towards the tired looking boy looking out of the window.

“Yes, I suppose I can. Inferi is the act, usually by a dark wizard, when you sort of revive a dead body. Maybe control is a better word because they are in a limbo state between ghost and alive, almost zombie-like.”

“Very good Mr.Lupin. That is exactly what an inferi is. They have previously been used to create armies. I thought we could spice it up a bit and have a different type of examination on this topic. As well as writing a relatively short essay about what an inferi is, I want you to group up in pairs of four and have a discussion in front of the class. Two of you will act as if you want to use the inferi spell for a good cause, even though they are only used by dark wizards, and the other two will argue that it morally wrong. I want to see if you truly understand what this is and what goes into the spell.”

The two against two set up quickly turned into the entire class having one massive discussion. Everyone had an opinion, and Professor Sahani never stopped anyone from speaking in class if they raised their hands.

Remus was sitting next to Sirius in front of me. His glances throughout the class were enough to make my stomach flutter. His chair slowly got closer to mine and I felt a gentle nudge from his feet every now and then. He made it hard to focus, especially with Sirius sitting next to him.

Sirius’ voice was probably the most determined and strong voice in the entire class. “We all know it’s only used by dark wizards like you know who, who only want to create vile armies to murder and hurt other wizards. It’s as simple, you can’t deny facts, it’s written in all DADA books you can find. I’ll bring up the sources if you’d like I mean why even argue about this Proffessor Sahani. It’s inhumane and cruel type of magic. Not to forget they have feelings. Not human of-course but anger is the only thing driving these creatures, anger and pain, at least that’s what I read in “The unknown Inferi”. Disgusting magic is what it is.”

“I think you all did great today, a lot more opinions and arguments than I expected. I think you’ve all really showed me what you know and understand about the inferi. The essay should be about 55cm long and you can choose your own topic within the inferi theme. I’d love some illustrations with the work, but it’s not obligatory. Great work today everyone!” With a flick of her wand, all of her stuff from her desk rose and followed her to the Defence Against the Dark Arts office.

“Sirius why don’t you become an activist or something. You’d be really good at it if you get your arguments straight and a little more factual.”

“I’m as factual as I need to be. It’s more important to be heard than to be right if you look at all great leaders.” Sirius put his hair up in a loose bun and started talking to some of the Ravenclaw girls.

“I wonder why he never has a girlfriend. There are girls around him all the time if he doesn’t ask them to leave.”

“Y/N, when will you realize he loves being a man with many mysterious attributes and why let a girlfriend take away all of the attention?” Remus’ hand rested on my shoulder while we looked at his friend charming some girls.


End file.
